A Working Mama Saga

I survived...

2006-04-08T20:29:00.000-05:00

Survived the first overnight away from R. (He was fine; I was a mess.) When I picked him up from daycare the next day, I told his caregivers that I was just back from my first night away and they nicely commiserated. Then one told me that whenever she's away from her teenage kids, she still has to call home every day and see how they're doing -- which they of course think is totally dorky. "So it doesn't get easier to be away from them?" I asked her. "Oh no, it never gets easier," she told me.

So I'm torn between being relieved that maybe I'm not such an awful person for having both an infant and business trips ... and being horrified to find out that this godawful feeling of separation isn't going to get better in time. Which makes me think I should go call my mom.

Getting into a groove

2006-04-05T19:44:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. I got to work almost on time, did my thing, enjoyed my job, picked up R at daycare, got the biggest grin and slobberiest kisses, played for awhile, put him to bed ... and started homework. Okay so everything but that last part was good.

R loves daycare. I'm so happy with the way the daycare transition has gone. When we bring him in each morning, he gets the biggest grins on his face and gives his favorite teacher a kiss. He loves watching the toddlers and kids. When I pick him up in the afternoons, he's usually playing but when he sees me, his face breaks into a giant smile and he starts squealing and pumping his arms. And then latches onto my face in his sloppy baby kisses.

Tomorrow ... my first overnight trip. When it was just DH & I, travel was no big deal because I missed him, but, you know, not all that much. But being away from my baby ... that feels like the world is about to stop.

Praise for daycare workers

2006-03-24T18:35:00.000-05:00

I've just read yet another ignorant rant about the evils of daycare and those awful, low-wage, untrained women we working moms are selfish enough to leave our children with -- our children who, by the way, we don't care for at all, obviously, because if we did we would have thought ahead and ensured that one parent (aka Mom) could stay home rather than leave this child we don't care for with strangers. Apparently DH's company wouldn't have gone belly up if we'd just planned our lives better. Anyway...

First, it's important to make a distinction between poor quality daycare and high quality daycare -- and it's very true that this country is lacking in the latter and where it does exist, it's not always affordable to most working parents. Which is why I advocate greater government support of daycare, in the same way I believe the government should support public schools.

But now that I have a child in daycare, I'm stunned by the vitriolic attacks on daycare workers themselves. The staff at our daycare have been there 5-10 years a piece and are extremely competent and loving. And they're not strangers to us anymore -- we see them and talk to them every day, and have made an effort to get to know them. Probably because we see them as people, and very important people in our lives, rather than as some sort of drones in the mythical leftist conspiracy that's destroying the moral fabric of our nation (yada yada yada).

Our favorite babysitter is a former daycare worker, who is also skilled and loving and competent with our son.

I trust these women with the most precious, irreplaceable part of my life -- my child. And I have been touched by the care they've given him, and I have learned about child care from them.

There's one point on which I and the daycare-haters agree -- whatever these women are paid, it's not nearly enough for the incredible, valuable service they provide.

Mama News

2006-03-23T19:25:00.000-05:00

Excellent essay on why we need a "a more humane, child-friendly society" in Stop Feeding the Work Monster by Ruth Conniff.

Seth Sandronsky, debunking the so-called "Opt-Out Revolution" says: "we need to find ways to make the economy work for women and everybody else. Economics as if people mattered. Imagine that." From "US Working Mothers and the Market"

This June, Californians will vote on Proposition 82 which would provide every four-year-old in California with the opportunity to attend a quality preschool program. Good for them!

Tennessee State Representative Kim McMillan, D-Clarksville, accuses GOP of stalling her proposed equal pay bill Live in Tennessee? Write your state legislator to support this bill.

Business execs, strip clubs and dwarf-tossing

2006-03-23T18:47:00.000-05:00

USA Today just ran a story called, "Should business execs meet at strip clubs?" (Um, duh?) I am sitting here trying to imagine and simultaneously expunge from my mind the image of what apparently went on at a Fidelity Investments trader's 2003 bachelor party which prompted a financial services industry regulatory body to consider tightening its rules. The party "allegedly included dwarf-tossing and paid female escorts." Dwarf-tossing? DWARF-TOSSING? And USA Today just tossed that in there as though we're all familiar with this form of bachelor party "entertainment." DWARF-TOSSING?! I mean, WTF people?

So that little nugget aside, apparently investment bankers have an entrenched stip club culture in which the old boys take their clients out for some shots and lap dances, and they're none too happy about all these uppity women suing them for it. Because clearly entertaining at strip clubs does not exclude their female colleagues in any way.

However at least one genius on the Street forgot the party line: a lawsuit alleges that one woman "learned two clients were invited by male colleagues to attend a weekend in Las Vegas approved by their manager. When she asked why she wasn't included, she was told it was 'because the men would be uncomfortable participating in sexually oriented entertainment with a woman colleague present, especially one who knew their wives'..." I could spend the next hour deconstructing everything that's wrong but deliciously ironic in that one statement...

I have also been in situations on business travel where a VP would announce to the group of guys (I worked in IT -- it was always a group of guys plus me and possibly another token woman) that he couldn't take us where he really wanted to because I was present. But next time... (next time when the broad isn't with us ... lap dances for everyone!)

And yes, it was exclusionary. It called attention to the fact that I was the only woman in the bunch, and therefore different. And in those situations it was my superior at the company and it was inappropriate. And maybe I should have put that in a lawsuit when they laid me off on maternity leave. Hmmm.

Where Have I Been?

2006-03-20T19:28:00.000-05:00

When I started this blog, I joked in my profile that I would be writing posts in my spare 15 minutes a day. Nearly 3 weeks into my working mama adventure I have to say ...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My spare WHAT?!

Here's some interesting numbers about my life:

Number of days I've been on-the-job since becoming a mom: 19
Number of days I've been late to work or left early: 9
Number of nights I've gotten less than 3 consecutive hours of sleep on a work night:5
Number of colds R has gotten in 3 weeks of daycare: 2
Number of ear infections R has gotten in 3 weeks of daycare: 1
Number of nights R has had to sleep in his car seat because his congestion is so bad: 7
Average duration of R's colds:For f'ing ever and still going
Number of days I've had to leave work due to a baby emergency (aka a cold): 1
Number of working dinners I've had to attend: 1
Number of working dinners I had to bail on when DH called me in a panic because R wouldn't stop screaming: 1
Number of times I've pumped in a toilet: 18
Number of times I SHOULD have pumped in a toilet if I want to keep my milk supply going: 57
Number of bottles of formula R is getting per day: 3 and climbing
Number of pictures of R that I have on my desk: 7
Number of times I've cried on the way to work: 3
Number of times I've said, "This is the worst day of my life!":15
Number of times I've thought I should quit: 5,000
Number of times I remember I actually love this job: 4,999
Number of times I've missed R so badly I couldn't breathe: Countless
Number of days until I have to go to Switzerland for 7 days, during which I'm convinced I'll die without my baby: 41

So how's it going? The jury is still out. I love my job. I need my job for reasons of mortgage and health insurance. I miss my baby more than I ever thought possible.

I've also realized how incredibly privileged I am. Most other companies would have fired my tardy ass already. And the rest think flextime is a scam.

So here's an organization that I think all mothers (stay-at-hom and work-outside-the-home) should visit right now: MOTHERS: Mothers Ought To Have Equal Rights

Back to Work

2006-03-02T06:02:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was my first day at work, and one of the biggest surprises was that I actually DON'T have a spare 15 minutes each day. So I'm typing this at 6 a.m. on Day 2 of work, as I pump before leaving the house.

Best thing about going back to work: Getting dressed in something other than sweats, spending the day talking with other adults, using that work part of my brain that's been languishing for the past 5 months.

Worst thing about going back to work: No big surprise -- missing R every moment and feeling like I didn't get to see him at all yesterday.

Second worst thing: I now work for a tiny company where the only option for pumping is in the bathroom. I'd brought in a folding tray to put the pump and paraphenalia on, and disposable changing pads to put on top of that and on top of the toilet where I'd be sitting to try to maintain some sort of sanitary standards. The only thing worse than realizing I'd have to pump while sitting on a toilet was realizing that the toilet DOES NOT HAVE A LID. And changing pad or no, NO WAY IN HELL am I going to sit on an OPEN toilet to pump.

So yesterday I got to pump while standing up. Today, I bring a folding chair.

First (Half-)Day of Daycare

2006-02-28T10:26:00.000-05:00

R's first half-day of daycare was yesterday. I start work on Wednesay but we're transitioning him into the daycare. Actually he'd already spent part of a day there with me and part of a day there alone as part of my childcare options research -- but yesterday was the official First Day. I got up at 5:30 a.m. (okay 5:50) and nursed him for his dawn 10-minute snack, then got ready just like it was a real workday with DH taking over the morning shift. We went to the daycare together to drop him off and then I left.

Enter a morning of "Where's the baby?" I'm so used to having him with me that I'd find myself listening for the monitor or glancing over at his toys or wondering if he was asleep in the backseat until I remembered he's at DAYCARE.

I was sad and lonely and missed him like hell ... but there was a part of me that was a wee bit relieved. We haven't been separated more than 2 hours in the entire 5 months of his life (except one 9-hour day when I had a class). We picked this daycare because it has a terrific reputation, stable staff (5-10 years there each) and a wonderful child environment -- so I feel safe with R being there. I don't know what actually going to work will be like, but having childcare you can trust is an absolute critical factor in making this working mama thing work.

And R had a great day - napped well, ate well and flirted with his caregivers. :-) And was smiling and happy the two times I had to go back to drop off stuff I accidentally (subconsciously on purpose?) left.

Wasting precious moments during R's nap...

2006-02-25T13:04:00.000-05:00

Web surfing a Saturday away. Well, it's snowing outside anyway.

So found this hilarious post at amalah.com

Family Friendly

2006-02-25T09:53:00.000-05:00

Check out Dilbert on work/life balance

"Mommy Brain" really means "brighter, bolder and better able to cope"

2006-02-24T18:54:00.000-05:00

Ha! I'm going to repeat this to myself the next time I dial someone's number and forget why the heck I called them in the time between I picked up the phone and they answered. Of course, I'll probably have forgotten this article by then...

"Giving Birth to Supermom"

The Job Offer: My Life Front and Center

2006-02-24T11:28:00.000-05:00

Prior to having a baby, getting that call about a new job offer was a sacred event -- the last time I went through this, I would rush to a private room in the house so that my future employer couldn't hear any unbusinesslike sounds such as the TV in the background, loud pets, or an also-unemployed DH. I'd also assume my best, unruffled businesslike voice and project just the right blend of competence and good nature.

In my new world, when my potential future boss asked when I was available to chat, I said "Friday afternoon" and hoped the baby would be napping. He wasn't. In fact, he was suffering from his first cold which meant he was cranky, fuusy and didn't want to be put down for a second. He'd also just learned to make an adorable new sound -- a high-pitched screech that worthy of a baby teradactyl.

So as my new boss and I discussed salary, benefits and pumping breaks, I was bouncing on a yoga ball with the phone cradled against my shoulder, a screeching teradactyl in one arm and a pen in the other hand in a futile effort to write the pertinent details down on a notepad that kept slipping off my knee. (How else am I going to remember this stuff since thanks to sleep deprivation, I have no short-term memory?) On the plus side, at a tough negotiating moment, I got to say, "Can I call you back in 10 minutes? I'm going to have help the little guy get to sleep" -- and take that time to both rock the baby to sleep and determine how to address the issue. :-)

ABC News Vilely Perpetuates the "Mommy Wars"

2006-02-23T14:17:00.000-05:00

ABC News recently did a piece they naturally had to call: 'Mommy Wars': To Work or Stay at Home? Because of course the fact that different (middle-class) women make different choices means that we are at "war" with each other. And the issue of childcare is of course a "mommy" issue and not a PARENTS' issue. Yet again, daddy gets to guiltlessly walk out the door each day to earn a living with no conflict over his choices, over whether he's a good father, whether his working will irreparably harm his children, whether his baby is more bonded to his caregriver than to him -- and without the need to justify himself to the rest of the world. Thank you, ABC, for such an enlightened take on the issues facing parents today. Ugh.

The Job Interview: Behind the Scenes

2006-02-23T12:21:00.000-05:00

On January 11, I had the first interview for my new job. And here's the real look at this working mama's efforts to get ready that day:

I'm trying to pump so the sitter has something to feed R while I'm interviewing. Inevitably, R unexpectedly gets hungry (he's semi on a schedule) - so here I am with only 2 ounces in the bottle and a hungry baby so I try to stick him on one boob and pump on the other and of course he's kicking and crying at the weird position and knocks the bottle over, so part of the milk spills out all over my desk and the floor. I finally get it all set up in what must be the world's greatest tricep-toning position (i.e. hurts like hell) and hold for 15 minutes until R is full and the bottle is half an ounce shy of a full meal (apparently my boobs produce 4 ounces exactly and that's it and it's too darn bad the other 1/2 ounce is all over the floor). And I can't help but wonder if this is a little preview of my potential working mother life.

Is it legal to lay off a woman on maternity leave?

2006-02-23T11:47:00.000-05:00

Whenever I tell someone I was laid-off while on maternity leave, I get the same confused look and the question, "Is that legal?!" That was my first question too! And the answer is, that in the United States, it is absolutely legal to lay off a woman while on maternity leave. The only FMLA standard (which, by the way, only applies to companies with 50 or more employees) in effect is - if your position would have been eliminated whether or not you were on leave, you can be let go too. in the interest of fairness, the courts have ruled that a pregnant woman or new mother has no GREATER job protection than any other employee. As anyone who's worked in corporate America knows, a company can always think of some reason to lay you off. Of course a related question is: "Is it ethical to lay off a woman on maternity leave?"

Remember when Hillary Clinton was pushing the FMLA and the conservative community was having a fit about how businesses would fail across America if they had to guarantee 12 weeks of unpaid leave each year for their employees to deal with sick or new family members? I guess those same people can rest easy now that they know this law is a piece of cake to subvert.

In my case, my manager and the HR manager who called me up to give me the news stressed the dire financial condition of the company and how my layoff was definitely part of a larger reduction-in-force (another key phrase in legally booting you out). Of a department of about 200, I was one of 8 let go.

The real poop: the department head had gotten her new budgets and needed to cut some people to make her numbers for next year. The company insists on double digit profits each year -- so no, they wouldn't actually lose money if they hadn't let us go. And our salaries were of course a drop in the bucket compared to the executive bonuses.

In a stunning bit of corporate karma though, that same department head was also pregnant and was herself "asked to resign" a month later when the new CEO took over. Hmmm, well I guess that's not actually karma since I believe that also was unethical (or at least it would be if she wasn't at the level of Cushy Executive Severance Packages). Apparently that was the principle of whatever you send out in the world will come back times three? Do unto others? Or maybe the lesson is simply that was a crappy company to work for and we should both be glad we're outta there.

Everything You Thought About Motherhood Was Wrong

2006-02-22T21:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, not everything. But quite a bit of what I thought was critical, what I thought I'd never do, and how I thought I'd never feel was wrong -- and it's not that uncommon an experience. Choosing daycare rather than a nanny for R -- finding that I liked the daycare, that I felt the most safe with that option, and that I'm sure he'll thrive there -- was probaby the biggest shock.

Here's a HipMama article that sums up what so many of us have found:

Caring for My Children by Rebecca Steinitz

New Baby, New Life - Squared

2006-02-22T19:38:00.000-05:00

On September 24, 2005 I gave birth to my son R. Everyone knows that Your Life Will Never Be The Same once you have a child. In my case, that common wisdom came true to an unbelievable degree.

Two weeks before I gave birth, my husband's company -- a small video games developer -- didn't get a contract they were counting on and laid off two-thirds of their employees. This included people who'd become like family to us, the "village" we'd hoped to raise our child in. Since this is such a small community, those dear friends would soon have to scatter across the country to find other jobs in the video games industry. Over the next few months, we'd begin the long process of saying goodbye as one couple after another found new jobs, put their houses on the market, pulled up stakes and moved on.

We stayed, knowing that DH's company had only another few months of cash left and may or may not make it ... and then on October 24 -- one month after giving birth -- the company I worked for (a giant trade magazine publisher) called me up to let me know that they'd eliminated my position as part of a wider staff reduction (totalling 8). Just what every woman who is her family's major breadwinner and benefits carrier wants to hear while still recovering from stiches in her delicate bits and not sleeping more than 1 to 2 hours at a stretch. And in that condition I had to start looking for a new job!

And so the next three months passed in a blur of learning to care for R, getting to sleep a whopping 3 to 4 hours at a stretch, saying goodbye more times than I want to remember, meeting new friends who are also new moms, sleep training, first colds, dealing with the rollercoaster of a small business that was DH's (and our) livelihood, learning my new definition of exhausted, and wondering whether I'd go back to work. Then a terrific job offer came along that I couldn't pass up. And so came the whirlwind of searching for childcare and for a business wardrove that could accomodate my enormous nursing-mom boobs!

So here I am, exactly one week away from starting a new job and putting my baby in daycare for the first time, in this new adventure that's become my life:

The little guy is teething and has a cold so I get 2 to 3 hours of sleep at a stretch and am facing the prospect of awaking at 5:30 every morning to bond with my Medela pump and hit the road by 6:30 instead of catching a few crucial more hours of z's and snuggling in bed with the baby during his first feed. DH will be dropping R off at daycare by 8:30 a.m. while I join the working world from 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. -- where I will be pumping 2 to 3 times a day in a toilet.

My husband will be traveling on business 11 days of the first month I'm back to work (which necessitates me learning to drive stick -- on a truck no less! -- in the next three weeks due to some car arrangements I will regale you with later).

DH's company has about four months left before they run out of cash, unless he lands a new client or an investor, so the countdown has begun (no, we can't live off of just my new salary).

I will be out of the country three times between now and December, so have mutual separation anxiety as well as the interesting prospect of pumping in airplanes and abroad to look forward to.

Oh yeah, and because pre-baby I was a little on the ambitious side but not enough to finish in time ... I have my MBA to complete in the next year!

So I decided to start a blog to chronicle the days of my new life ... as a crazed working mama.

p.s. The baby starts solids on Saturday. :-)